he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
