Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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