I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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