I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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