areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
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