Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My Higher Power is John Stamos
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
