I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
