when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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