I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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