I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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