Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
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