Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
