Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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