I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
