I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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