Banned from zoo.
Again?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
