We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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