So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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