you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
