Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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