he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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