In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
