So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
