I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize