I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
smell my finger.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
