I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
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