I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
