Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Randomize
