I cannot find my penis.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
