Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This gyro tastes like lonliness
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
