mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
It's Friday. Sex?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
