the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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