I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
