There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
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It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
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Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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