Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
