Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
