Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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