i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
