idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Randomize
