You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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