I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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