the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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