i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
