We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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