Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
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he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
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If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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