i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
So much rum. So many feels.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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