Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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