Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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