woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
