My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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