New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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