I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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