So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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