do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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