I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The feeling are messing with the penis
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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