he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
