sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
