My liver just broke up with me...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
