You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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