My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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